11. Letter to him

     Today I thought about you, but only for a short time. I am trying to teach myself how to forget you, or at least how to kill those butterflies that seem to fly from my stomach to my throat and just won't let me breathe. I think I am doing a good job.

    What hurt the most is that you didn't even come to my birthday. We hadn't seen each other since... Well just since. I miss those summer nights when we would talk about everything and nothing at the same time. In the sand. Under the stars. Searching for new constellations. I am sorry that I screwed up what we had telling you how I felt. But you saw that I had been crying and I just couldn't hold it for much longer. 

    I know you tried to fix it and apologize for not coming. I told you I was fine. I was not. When we hung up I called my best friend, you know who I am talking about. I had no air, and sometimes when I remember about that night I still lack some air. Not as much as that night. I guess it's getting better.

    Today I saw a picture of you with your friends. One of them uploaded it to their stories. That's when I lingered appreciating your face and your hair. Just like I used to. Then I remembered that neither that face nor that hair is mine to appreciate. But like I said, it's getting better. I guess.

    A few minutes have passed now. I am still thinking about you and I am also realizing that it's not getting better. I am not getting better. It doesn't come and go in waves, I always miss you and I always want more from you, though I know I'm never going to get it. I was such a fool thinking, for just a fraction of a minute, that you would say yes. That you would be mine and I would be yours. But like I said, what a fool.

    I am trying to fix myself you know? I am trying to do more sport to get a nicer body, though I know that won't change anything. My best friend once asked me if I thought that having a "better body" would have changed things. I said yes, of course, but I think I said so because I don't want to think that you didn't want me for me, though that's probably what happened.

    I fell for you, literally. I am still trying to pick up the pieces, but they suddenly fall down whenever I text you and you answer as if nothing had happened. Or whenever I see your face, doesn't matter if it's in a picture, that's what happened today. And every time this happens I feel it all over again and I fall for you all over again and I hit the ground so hard that it hurts just like that day.

    My friends truly think that I'm doing better, but that's not entirely true. I am afraid to tell them that I don't feel better after telling you like they said. I don't feel relieved and I don't feel like I am free to fall in love for someone else. It's been 4 years of my life, for christ's sake. You know I would have waited until you were ready if you had only said it. But you didn't and that hurt too.

    I would like to say that I am happy just by seeing you smile and knowing that you are happy. But that would be a lie. I want to say that I am happy just seeing you smile by my side. That is a very important detail.

    I still wear that necklace you gave me for my birthday a couple of years ago, you know? I always doubt if I should wear it when you are around, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. People tell me to take it off, but I just can't. I can't forget you because a part of me has faith. Faith in you, faith in me, faith in us. Faith in the impossible possibility that you and I will be together, and I will be free to linger as much as I want watching your hair and your face. But like I said, what a fool.

Related to suggested topic 12: A big mistake you once made